we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
foreskin is a definite game changer
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
