and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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