a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
