you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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