She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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