So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
