It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
