sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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