I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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