Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
