who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
