I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am available for nakedness
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
