Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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