Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
