i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
