life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
