so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
