he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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