Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
