Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize