i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
