You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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