So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
