Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have feelings that need drinking.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
