Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
