I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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