so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
