I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
