his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
