I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
