I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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