3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize