im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
