My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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