and you said cock pushups were impossible
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
