I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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