So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
