im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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