it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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