Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
