tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
