dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
