Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
