I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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