I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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