I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
