Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
