LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
