dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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