dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
