god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize