Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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