If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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