On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
