my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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