I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
