If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
