I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
